Fantasy World

Stud.
Risk/Reward.
Five-tool player.
Handcuff pick.
Sleeper.
Bust.

If you have ever participated in fantasy sports with even a passing interest, chances are you've heard some of the above terms (perhaps even all of them). This language of the egregiously over-informed sounds, in many ways, as oddly appealing as a Fergie single. It's privately embarrassing to listen to London Bridge on your I-Pod on a crowded bus, just as it is acknowledging that you keep a fantasy mag and highlighter in your bag for the purposes of "scouting" players leading up to a draft.

If you do this, then you belong to the genus of dork known as "fantasydork" which belongs to the "sportsgeek" family. Your standard fantasydork says things like, "Pitchers and catchers is my favorite time of year" and "Is Ron Mexico still on the board?". Fantasydorks usually dwell in dark rooms, smelling of stale B.O. with scattered empty beer cans mixed in with mountains of printed-out stats. They will shuffle through those stats before they go to bed each night, commit a new trend to memory and vanish into a dreamland with little more than a notion of abstract greatness. This fantasydork spent Thanksgiving laughing with aunts, hugging grandparents, chasing nephews and eventually finding his way into the den with the father and the uncles. Football was on. Good beers were drunk. Fantasy implications were discussed. Life, as it happens, churned on.

That's how the existence of a fantasydork builds momentum, each season brings new conversations, new questions to ponder. Now, it should be known, that fantasydork's second cousins "problemgambler" and (the often self appointed) "fantasyguru" bare only casual resemblances. Problemgambler is a hopeless condition rooted in self sabotage. Covering spreads and predicting the upset are what keeps this species upright (but never for long, sadly). Fantasyguru is a rare syndrome by which the veil of fantasy has impaired the stabilizing ability to reason and rationalize. Under it's spell, the so-called fantasyguru will begin spouting non-sensical third person statements like, "Grant understands his superiority and welcomes the responsibility" or "Grant likes to take dumps bigger than your entire team’s output this week". These effects, however, can usually reversed with a healthy dose of humble pie.*

As an entrenched fantasydork, I've played just about every sport at least once:

NBA- As far as I'm concerned, this is the crown jewel of fantasy sports. Perhaps because MY WHOLE LIFE between the years of 1991 and 1998 was dedicated to hoops, however I think there's something else at work here. I love the fluid nature of the NBA, the way an extra ten minutes of playing time a night can transform the confidence and efficiency with which a player approaches the game. Let's put it this way, you're watching a seemingly meaningless game between the Jazz and Hornets last year. You notice that Deron Williams is being constantly compared with Chris Paul who is a lock for rookie of the year, even though the Jazz passed on him for Williams. You watch a hungry guy like Williams through college and into The League and he's struggling, but finishing the year strong with nothing but time in the off season to watch people love on Chris Paul while he represents USA in Japan. Flash forward to this year, Williams kicked up the conditioning, tightened up his game and is now taking over games for the 9-1 Jazz. He's averaging 10 more minutes a game, 8 more points a game and 6 more assists a game. And it unfolded very organically in front of everyone.

Now, if I wasn't a such a jackass taking the DeSagana Diop's and Channing Frye's of the world in the late rounds, I coulda had him.

MLB- This is strictly reserved for people who either A) regard baseball as their absolute forte or B) get a woody looking up OBP (On-base percentage) on baseballreference.com. As it turns out, fantasy baseball very closely mirrors being an actual baseball fan. Your team WILL slump from time to time and there is NOTHING you can do about it. Pitching can win it all for you although balance with your position players is crucial. HUGE trades happen all the time. Fantasy baseball has become, for me, an invaluable way to keep tabs on players in both leagues in what sometimes feels like a never-ending season. I like knowing what journeyman and utility players are all about. I also like mapping the course of a superstars career because you never know when the Cubs are going to offer him 136 million over 8 years. That's the thing about fantasydork's who play baseball every year - there are so many captivating plotlines, players, trends, possibilities, etc. that it can completely consume you, rendering your penis completely useless to women.

NFL- The clear favorite of America. The most inclusive statistically. The greatest potential for drama (since the games only happen two days a week). This is like the training wheels for an aspiring fantasydork because there are no categories to obsess over. Just pick players that rack up yardage and get in the endzone. I also find the universal appeal of fantasy football it's greatest strength. Have you gone out to a house party with a girlfriend that you had absolutely no interest in attending? You're not a big hit with her friends, but you love her, so you sack it up and pretend like you couldn't be happier to mingle with 50 drama majors for three hours. If you're anything like me, you bring a pack of cigarettes, smile your way to the porch where the keg resides and find another guy with the frantic "why am I here" eyes... you smoke and drink and talk football with this individual until your girlfriend tells you it's time to go. That's why fantasy football will never subside.

NHL- I'm currently in my second year of fantasy hockey and I still have no idea what is going on. I figured that since I didn't watch hockey but had some interest in it, that this would be the logical step. The problem is even with the new rule changes, I still don't watch the sport (possibly because I don't get OLN) but mostly because the Blackhawks are a joke. What I don’t fully grasp is that you GET points for penalty minutes, there is a seemingly arbitrary plus/minus stat and goalkeeping comprises 50% of your score. So if I had the foresight to draft Giguere and Brodeur in the first two rounds, I'd be doing a lot better than my current 6th place standing. Thanks Steveo, you're fucking up my entire universe.

This leads me to the league I just joined (thanks to Olivia) and the real impetus to this blog post. I think I may have found the rival to the NFL as far as universality goes. Ladies and Gentlemen, this Fantasy Celebrity League. Everyone knows about celebrities because we all live in a celebrity obsessed culture. Scoring occurs daily based on a calibrated "buzz index" and turnover is great because each season lasts just under a month. Although I’m a rookie compared with Olivia and Meg, I'm riding my first two picks Brit and K-Fed (the Larry Johnson/LaDainian Tomlinson combo platter) to the promised land. Never have I watched The Soup so closely and I'm not at all ashamed to admit this. If you have any interest, lemme know. A new season starts in December. Mahalo.





* To Grant's credit, he's having a great football season. He earned the right to talk some shit. But these days, he comes off like the spastic kid with a debilitating fear of girls who tries to hard to be liked at parties. Sometimes, you just gotta grab a beer and relax. The jackass who lets everyone know they have been on the beerpong table for two hours never get anywhere...